Friendly discussion: Is it the children's responsibility to take care of their elderly parents when the time comes?
Marla Crowe
I feel like it is. They took care of me and gave me a great life, why would I want to abandon the two people that always loved me unconditionally. It’s always so sad to know parents have been placed somewhere and forgotten.
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Anita Altom
I took care of my elderly mother because I loved her not because it was my responsibility
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Naomi Palmer
Every situation is different. Impossible to say and not fair to judge.
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Dee Schoettler
I think there should be a discussion early on as to what is expected and what is doable
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Misty Miller
Depends. I say yes but in cases of neglect and abuse, children should do as they feel is best for themselves.
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Linda Barrow Blaszies
I know first hand it’s a huge responsibility. At 62 I quit working and took early retirement to take care of my MIL for 4 years with advanced Alzheimer’s. 1 week after she passed I was doing the same with both my parents. One with Parkinson’s and one with short term memory loss. 4 years later they both passed away at age 90 and 86. It’s been 2 years. I don’t regret my decision but it took a lot out of me !!! Mentally and physically! It’s a decision not to enter in lightly
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Betty Nickelson
I took care of my mother. Wish she was still here. She needed me. Circle of life. Do want you can and get help for sure alot of programs out there. Unless you have a lot of money nursing homes are questionable. I think having a separate entrance for aids helps keep them close and keeps your privacy. I loved my mom.
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Dawn Marie
I think a good question is “do you expect your children to take care of you?”
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Sherlyn Lovern
It's the honorable thing to do but if you resent the responsibility please don't. No one wants to be a burden or abused because they are no longer to take care of themselves. Your parents took care of you when you weren't able to talk, walk, feed yourself, clean yourself or keep yourself alive! They loved you enough to sacrifice their life/time/money/health and teach you to take care of yourself. WHY SHOULD IT BE A QUESTION THAT YOU WOULDN'T TAKE CARE OF THEM!!??
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Kim Huff Vorell
No you shouldnt force them. It could turn into resentment.
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Molly Miller
Honestly no, I wouldn’t want that burden on my daughter and I work my ass off so when I’m old she can have a happy life and I’ll be in home if need be. If she wants to she wants to, but I’d never ever expect it. My parents are elderly and without a doubt I’ll care for them until the end but it’s because I want to and not because it’s expected of me
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Amy Keller New
It is the next if kin responsibility. So most of the time that's the child.
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Jeffrey Eichelberger
You can't force someone to do something that they don't want to do, if you do it not going to end well.
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Lisa Nunnemaker
No ,but it is their responsibility to make sure that they are properly cared for
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Frances Threadgill
I took care of my mother, and now my oldest sister
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Tammy Walker Miller Marion
Yes. Family should take care of family.
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Gloria Jean Davis
Why not.. they took care of them all their lives pretty much
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Peggy Cleghorn
Did not want to live long enough to have to depend on my children. Thank God they are here for me.
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Brenda Huntley
To at least see that they are taken care of.
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Laura Butterfield
No, but I would hope that they would want to and be able to.
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Shelley Roxanne
I love mine...so I did
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Willene Loftis
Yes it is
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Paula Davis
Yes
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Tina Winters
Yes.
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MoonLit Heart MrsJackie
Absolutely
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Helene Beaunoir
Why not
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Kim Musgrove
No
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Tootie Ellison
YES
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Monique Moore
No
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Skye LeAnn Opoien
No. We shouldn't have children so that we are taken care of when we are old. That comes from a selfish mindset. One I see far to often especially from parents who have abused the Hades out of their kids and still expect them to take care of them when they're old. I can see how children of good and loving parents will naturally want to take care of them as they age out of life though.
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Barbara Ludlam
It was an honor to take care of my mom and dad!
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Rita Crotts
Yes
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Julie Green
There are all manners of ways to "take care of" one's parents and not all include direct caregiving, as that is not always possible in all situations. We are to honor our father and mother and that does include seeing to their welfare in their old age. Whether that is advocating for their comfort and wellbeing in a LTC, visiting often enough to monitor all of that....or taking care of them directly in your home or theirs. If it's at all up to you to render aid to them, do so. If they will not let you, let it go.
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Brenda Voeller
Yes----they took care of you
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Lynn Gosselin
As a daughter I most likely will but as a mother I don’t want my kids to have to take care of me
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VioletArugula3896
It’s one thing to age and need help, but if you get very sick that’s another. It’s hard when a child has to provide nursing level care and 24 hour supervision, mostly with no training.
You can love them deeply and still not have the ability to take care of them.
Sometimes people need more care than a family member can provide, especially when it’s hard to keep them safe like with dementia.
Most people don’t understand, until it happens to them.
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Bobbi Carducci
No but it often is their decision to do it. Parents should plan ahead, making their arrangements known before it is necessary.
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Sonya Renae
No and Yes! I say take care of them until you are no longer capable of taking care of them. That way you get a good feel of what it’s like to take care of your parents when they are vulnerable and childlike like we were. I will not put this burden on my children. It’s a lot and not fair that the rich get help, and the poverty suffer.
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Kama Sales
Don’t think this is a fair question !
If a child says no, then someone will be offended and start asking questions that’s not their business.
If I child says absolutely , then they become a “ hero & loving child “
We have NO idea what the person was like before dementia & we all have no idea the situation the child grew up in so … everyone needs to be kind to each other when these kinds of questions are asked.
NO its not their responsibility to care for their parents BUT it should be their responsibility to make sure their parents are careful for in someway
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Heather Bubon
For my family the answer is yes. But not every parent was a good and loving parent and then the answer could very well be no
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Janine Tyler
Well I’m leading by example.
I’ve had my 90 year old Mother living with me for the last 7 years since she was diagnosed and I also look after my Grandchild two days a week.
I’d be upset if my kids put me in a home
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Tami S Harris
I feel like a fraud. I was finding it tough - emotionally. Caring for my parents. Mum has passed after a brutal fight with AML. Dad 97 with dementia & late stages of prostate cancer.
They both are and were the kindest, most gentle and appreciative parents I could ask for.
I care for my Dad 100% of the time.
He has his moments where he just looks at me and cries. Thanking me for all I do for him. That he’s sorry to be such a burden.
He really suffers from depression and a sad frustration.
When he thanks me, I always tell him that I feel honoured to care for him the way he cared for me.
I had to quit my job,
Financially it’s a struggle.
I went with him to the solicitors to get his will & enduring power of attorney/ health directive done. I asked him to please divide everything equally. Or to put it all into trust funds for the next generation. I’m not doing this for the money.
It hurts my heart to even consider it.
My sister lives overseas and can’t be here.
I’d be utterly offended if anyone ever suggested that I’m money motivated.
Personally, for me. I’d rather not get a cent than to dishonour him.
But in saying this. I have the blessings that I can care for him. He’s a kind gentle man. He’s no trouble at all. This makes the biggest difference.
I’ve seen through this support group how hard, in all aspects, this journey is for many.
I have the most overwhelming respect for your courage and endurance.
Stay strong. It won’t last forever
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Eileen Rodriguez
My mom passed 2 weeks ago and I told my children if I get the same horrible disease that I don’t want them to take care of me. I want them to live their lives. My mom couldn’t walk and that was the only reason I could have taken care of her as she was very stubborn.
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Sheree Hawke
No for me I don’t want to burden my children..
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Charlotte Bell
Train up your Child in love, then its ultimately there Choice .
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Debra Kelly-Troll
My mom has 3 grown daughters, 2 who do not work. We take care of her every day, sometimes taking her out (she’s 85), loves to go to lunch! Third daughter is a teacher who lives with her, with her 3 older (HS age), daughters, plus her husband. People are around her all day, & we all make sure she’s eating & drinking water. We will NEVER put her in a home, we’ve all decided. When the time comes, hospice will come in, just like they did for dad who died 13 years ago.
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Janelle Slade
30 years ago when I told mum "no, I'm not having children" she said "so who's going to look after you when you're old?"
In the last 10 years I've had to stop my life to care for my step father (died at 102), my father (died at 91) and now full-time just mum at home with dementia.
BTW none of them looked after theirs.
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Lynette Lister
I think every generation is different of wanting to having to take care of their parents. I think generation X is the last generation that would take care of their parents. My kids I have no clue for me. I wish this on no one but my mom took care of me and well im taken care of her. I've heard of horror stories about assist living, unless yr rich they treat u like crap. No thank u. Through the ups and downs I rather have her with me plus my wonderful husband helps me as well. But when the time comes I can't take care of her then I'll make the decision.
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Eva Grauer
Depends on how you raised your kids.
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Kathy Odiorne
No for me i do not want to burden my children
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Debby Clark
I moved back close to my hometown to help care for my mother. My brother is NOT a good caregiver. He's spoiled by our parents. My dad and mom divorced. Both remarried and are both widow/er now. My dad tried to care for mom when we sold her house but after four months, he couldn't do it. So I placed her in a nursing home. It wasn't easy to do. I still have days that are hard to leave the nursing home and go to my home. I did not want to move back. I was happy and found a comforting place up in the PNW. But I came home and when she passes, I will know that I did my best. Mom was angry, yelled that she would hire a hit man to kill me if I put her in a nursing home. I had her behavior to deal with and all of her paperwork to do too. I went to court to get legal guardianship over her. I tried and tried over the years to get her to do a poa but she refused. Mom thought I would take her money and just blow. She never trusted me yet believed anything my lying Paul Revere brother did or told her. I do not want my kids burden with me. We have paperwork for a poa that we need to do and take back to the base. I know none of my kids will step up anyways. That generation is different. They are far away and have their own lives. My husband and I do have a plan for ourselves. Don't compare your family to others. Everyone is different. I admire people that are caretakers and I know some reasons why they would place their loved ones. Each family has to do what is best and as affordable as possible for everyone.
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Kat M. Hall
As a child currently helping my dad care for my mom with dementia, I expected myself to take care of my parent's, Period. What I have been through helping my mom care for my grandma was the example in this love.
Now as a mother, I am learning the things I do and do not want my children being burdened by my own stuff when I become of age to need assistance. I am diligently working on building a legacy business (that ANYONE can do using a service EVERYONE needs.) It will be passed down to them when the time comes. It includes will services also, so I am taking care of setting it up myself now. So each of us gets to choose some of the parts of future situation. It is all about being proactive with setting things up before so they are not a burden later.
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GrayCaribou2864
. My wife’s parents both have it and she doesn’t get any help from any of her 5 brothers . She had a very bad break to her leg left with a plate and 10 screws in and still has to carry on looking after them with no help. Shower of xxxxx but will turn up come the day the will being read ,, the truth is I would not want my kids left in this way. Throw me in a home before if that time comes I won’t even know who’s who
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Anonymous member 302
NO, NO, NO!
Not my kid's responsibility..... I chose to have them not the other way around!
Saying that I know they will by the way they've stepped up and helped others!
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Josanne Cassar ·
Everyone looks at this issue differently, for me, there was never a question of putting my mother in a care home, especially as it was against her wishes. Luckily she remained relatively independent until last year at the age of 90, and now that she needs 24 hour care, I arranged for a live-in carer and I visit her as much as I can so that she does not feel that I have abandoned her. When the carer needs a day off I take over, and I do it willingly... she is my mother. She is content, living in dignity in her own home, and my mind is at rest that she is well taken care of by someone who is qualified.
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Lynne Dexter
Every family is different. I do it as I love my mum and dont trust 'centres' to do the right thing. My brothers are 'too busy' (so wouldnt trust them either). Its not an obligation for me. I know 2 of my children would take me in... refuse to live with the others lol
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Kathy Landrigan
In general I’d say yes but there are many reasons why this couldn’t or shouldn’t happen. Some people just aren’t cut out for the “job”, some relationships are long troubled, even abusive, sometimes it would represent a significant hardship, sometimes a person’s job or other dependents cut into available time or emotional bandwidth.
The question above sounds close to, Should a child take care of elderly parents, and i very much dislike should-ing on people. Perhaps we’re all capable of doing more than we think we’re capable of, but we also need to listen to our bodies and know what’s possible and what’s not. Not being able to care for a loved one comes with stress too.
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ElegantBison1819
I really wish people/parents would take more responsibility to make decisions earlier on and not shy away from thinking about it or having conversations. This helps themselves and the persons left to cope with consequences. I realise it is hard.
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Anonymous member 712
Life was built that way.
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Tiffany Simpson Ernest
I think I am responsible for myself in this life. While I can see that some people get less quality care in situations where family is not involved, at what cost to them and how improved are things really when allowing adult children take on one's care? I dont see the value proposition here. I want them to enjoy their lives and the families they build.
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Anonymous member 229
I will never expect my girls to have that pressure on their shoulders when that future comes. I always said to them that they are not oblige but if they want to then they can but never to burden themselves when time comes and I will not blame them either. I want them to have a happy life no pressure like I have now. no children should be given that choice growing up and be reminded all their life that we owe our parents our lives.
everyone have their own choice. let them choose and not judge others because we don't know how one's live and what they've gone through
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Kirsty Tock
Looking after my mum with dementia now makes me want to be placed into supported accommodation when I’m older. I don’t want to be a burden to my younger generation.
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Cheryl Mitchell
I’m currently my mums full time carer….I would never put my children through this….absolutely they will be putting me in a home if/when the time comes
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Wendy DeBord
If they want one penny of an inheritance they better.
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Superembarrassed8552
Not a responsibility. For me It just depends on my need to know how she is actually being cared for. I’ll have to live with that. I don’t want to be told from the morgue of her sores and bruises because the facility may have had a smiley disposition when we first visited but only stopped in once a month
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Geraldine Higgin
I feel it’s entirely up to them. I would like to think they will look after me when my time comes but not once it gets to much. I will be happy to go into care when they feel it’s needed. Hopefully I don’t get dementia and turn into a disagreeable person. It’s my worst nightmare to become like that.
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Anita Maria Ireland
It depends on the situation....when we were younger only one of our parents worked full time so there was the capacity to care for parents more. Now with both parents working to try make ends meet....the capacity is much less.
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Michelle Whyte
Depends what sort of person you are, my mum n dad gave me a good life wen I was a child so it’s my turn to care for both done it going on nearly 3 yrs xxx
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Emma Whitehead
Not a responsibility but a want
I have the best parents
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Anonymous member 740
No. I don't want to put that on my kids. Life is too short. I want them to enjoy their lives, not have to worry about me and how they are going to fit my needs in with their life. I will be happy as long as i get a visit now and again.
I think its selfish to just expect them to take care of parents.
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Anonymous member 288
Hard decision Lo went into a care home December the guilt is unreal have to think
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Shanone Medlock
Kind of an unfair question in a group like this
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Anonymous member 609
I have been abused my whole life by my parent, and been in a caregiving role at various capacities for her since I was 10. I just recently cut all ties with her, after doing my best to help her but she is extremely narcissistic (and she also says she has frontal lobe brain damage, which I know causes behavioral problems, but she was abusive before she got sick) and my mental health is more important. I called Adult protective services, told them I cannot help with her care anymore, and gave them all the info they asked for. I love her, but I am learning to love and put myself first.
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Mmmike
Do they want a share of the estate? Not s ok cold and callous, but they need to show support and caring to their ability.
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Lauri Pettit
Depends on the parents
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Tiffany Lynne
My parents had 3 kids. 2 said absolutely and 1 said heck no.
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Anonymous member 810
I have no problem with the idea of taking care of my mother in my home. What I do have a problem with is when mother does not want to leave her home and move. She thinks that both of her children should live five minutes away for their entire life just in case she needs us. This attitude is not fair to any child.
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Anonymous member 884
While it’s safe yes,
. If it becomes dangerous due to dementia behaviour than no. Especially if there’s others that still need care. While their not intentionally violent, it can be a very unsafe situation10h
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Anonymous member 848
For my mum yes , for my father no .
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Anonymous member 364
Noway
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Sally Bland
No.
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Paula Julian-Lenton
Yes
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Phyllis Downing
NO
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Anonymous member 689
No.
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Jane Cavalla
Depends...on the personality of the child who looks after the parent. It's not for everyone. But you would hope if they have been brought up well and cared about the well being of parents they would do their best, to do what ever is the best interest for everyone.
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Colleen Holderman
We took care of our mother until she passed.
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Sandra Davis
If you yourself are a parent you know the unconditional love you have for your children so always remember your parents gave you the same unconditional love and no matter what age they still Really love you the same way so really what I am trying to say is that they wouldn't ever expect that from you but I think we should care for them as best we can they cared for us long enough they deserve it just my opinion I can completely understand everyone has a different view and I don't judge I wish all your parents well
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Sharon Bell
I think its the child's choice. I cared for my dad for 10 years until he passed away in May 2024, and have been caring for my my mum who has advanced Alzheimers for the past 3 years. I will certainly be having some much needed time and holidays with my husband when I am now longer a carer. As for when I'm older, I certainly don't want my son looking after me, he will probably kill me with all the lotions and potions that he would be making me take
Plus, I don't want him seeing my private parts 
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Susan Hoffman
Not everyone has the patience or the means to take on the responsibility
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Janine Tyler
Well I believe if I’d put my Mum into a home she wouldn’t have lasted as long as she has so far with me.
I organise activities and take more of a personal interest than a home could
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Lorrie Wallace Fink
Only if the parents were good parents, in my opinion. The children should be able to choose and not feeling guilty if they don't take care of them.
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Aimee Eddy
Yes until you are no longer capable of taking care of them or if they need more care then you can provide.
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Kay Wall
I don’t expect my children to care for me when I am a problem. I already told them to put me somewhere where I need to be.
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Paula Wiseman Slyker
My mom said she never wanted to live with either of us kids. She went to independent living, which in hindsight was wrong and then moved to assisted living. However I was the one responsible for her most days and my brother would help if we went out of town and when major decisions needed to be made. It worked for us.
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Cheryl Nash
Not a responsibility it is very difficult but if you have the patience best for your parent.
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Shannon Richardson Ridener
Easy answer for me
NO
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Nicola Perren
No.
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Norah J Roche
To the bitter end! I am single never married no children and 63 years old.
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Devon Ann Conover
More to the point ( speaking as a daughter) will the parent needing care accept caregiving from an adult child? My dad won’t. It has almost ruined relationships in this family.
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Cathy Ann
I had always planned to but didn’t expect this diagnosis. Grateful to retire while this happened
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Marguerite Bolton
I don't think it's the children's responsibility. When you took your wedding vows, one of them was "in sickness and in health" "until death do us part".
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Linda Marshall Daniels
No. I am very close to my kids but I don’t want them to have that burden.
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Brenda Kennedy West
Yes absolutely!
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Doug Seubert
for me it was a YES but each person can decide if they are willing and able. at my mother's funeral several people told me "she was so lucky to have you to care for her." I corrected every one of them and said, "no, I was the lucky one for being granted such a privilege." i guess not everyone sees it as such.
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Joanna Ramos
I felt I should and I basically wanted to help them.
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Angela Grizzle
I moved my mom in with me 2 years ago. Everything has went ok so far, but, I just recently fell very ill with the flu. I called my sister n law to take me to the er after my mom went to bed. My husband was home with her. I have never been so sick in my life… but I couldn’t get any help from anybody with her . She wouldn’t let me sleep she wanted me to constantly make her something to eat or find her somewhere to go, but no one would take her. That’s the only time I have considering her in a home.
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Carina Pollard
For me yes, they brought me up x
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Ruth Sloan
It is what the NHS wants. My Father’s family was big, he was one of five and care and finances were shared where his Mother was concerned, it isn’t quite s easy if you are a single child or struggling to make ends meet and have competing claims, children work home. Folk are quick to criticise but people are not the same. Not everyone is cracked up to nurse, not everyone gets on with parents. Never judge
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Meegan Lee Holman
No
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Gail Wilkinson
Depends.
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Steve Lightfoot
I do. But I wish I didn´t have to. It´s much harder than looking after small children. The emotion burden and worry is even harder. I´ll make proper plans for my time so my kids don´t have to. They can visit me and chat and laugh and joke. Not have to sort out all my life admin and anxiety.
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Mitzi Crawford Cochran
Our family takes care of their own.
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Linda Lake
Awesome thanks for replying everyone.
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Laura Emond
No
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Debra Liles
Not everyone has a heart to be caregivers. But all things are possible with the Lord. Planning ahead is important. Getting legal documents and assets addressed is helpful and reduces stresses for all. Getting social worker involved when seniors fight letting go of independence when it’s not in their best interest. God blesses the willling. God gave me answers to my every prayer. He probably knew I would be sitting here with broken arm and broken finger in the other arm and mom is where she needed to be in a nursing home where she is getting the right care: now I’m having to get 24/7 care.
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Anna Marie Reese
If you have to ask…SMDH
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Deb Dillow
No disrespect, but this is why it’s so hard to be part of groups that have caregivers in them because it’s just so hard as a patient to hear the hard stories that caregivers go through
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Darcie Hitchcock
Absolutely not
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Tom Cryan
Hard decisions, every situation is different.
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Al Kabelis
Legally no, morally yes
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Lois Ryan
After my sister and I cared for my father, who had Alzheimer's. And now myself at 65 on the backside of my own life, caring for my mother.. I have told my children I do not want them taking care of me when I can't take care of myself. We only have one life.. and sadly, we have to give up our life if we choose to take care of our loved ones. I don't have no one but myself to care for my mother.. and when I try to apply for assistance, they tell me my mother makes too much money, but yet once she pays her rent and her Medicare and insurance, she lives on $70 a month. It's a rough call.
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Sharon Maitland
I found a safe clean, respectful place for my mom, (I live 2k miles away) Every time I visit, (if she is lucid) she says, go have fun! don't hang around me.
so it depends on your family, culture and dynamics. Personally, I don't want to be a burden on anyone including the system.
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Kris Barrett Daugherty
Parents need to choose their POAs when making their wills and let those people know who they are. My dad was used for his monthly pension for 5 years until his wife of 46 years decided to divorce him claiming extreme cruelty and neglect. She had sent him to live with me 9 months previously and I made sure all her bills are paid. We countered with a cush deal for her and she took it but I was ready for a fight with all the evidence I had. And my mom, her ex best friend died 3 weeks before we got the divorce papers.
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Christine Lyver
I feel decided in 2024 to be my mom's personal directive because I know my brother's would not help. As they would say I have more own family to worry about. She has dementia and lives with us now. I am the lucky one
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Adam Cork
As a Christian, I am bound to honor my mother and father, but that doesn't necessarily mean I should be the one to provide direct care. Some are not gifted or able to provide care and some need way mor care than can be provided at home. Neither of my parents wanted to need the care that I provided and both eventually needed more than I could provide, but I made sure they got the care they needed. It was my honor to be in this role.
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Martin Lang
I would say it is yes
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Julie Clack
Yes but sometimes it's hard for them to expect it xx
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Nancy Waldman
I don’t think they actually need to live with you, but as children, you should at least set your parents up. Talk to them about what they would want and what they can afford “before” the time comes.
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Trisha Prater
All 4 of mine told me they would not , that's hurts
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Miles Bing
no simple answer to that in the modern world
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Heather MacLeod
I wonder if this is dependent on your family upbringing/dynamics/values/etc.
This is why it is imperative to have these discussions and be open to flexibility with you family members. It's quite easy to say 'I'll do this and not that', and visa versa, when you're not in that situation.
Keep the conversation and affective communication going.
Just a suggestion.
3d
Reply
Melody Harrison
Only if they want to be remembered in the will.
3d
Reply
Kym Roberson
If they have a new spouse it is up to them.
3d
Reply
林依龄
Definitely Yes.
1d
Reply
Pauline Anderson
I do not expect my children to take care of me. When the time comes, there will be home care until that is not sufficient. Then assisted living and/or memory care. They have lives of their own. I love them too much to put them through this
3d
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질문에 대한 답들을 몇가지 유형들로 분류하고 분석/평론해주세요.
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세진님, 주신 파일에는 <노부모를 부양하는 것이 자녀의 책임인가?>라는 질문에 대한 다양한 사람들의 의견이 담겨 있습니다
1. 책임의 유형 분류
<무조건적 보은형>: 부모의 희생에 대한 당연한 보답
이 유형은 부모가 자신을 키워준 희생과 무조건적인 사랑을 근거로 부양을 당연한 의무로 여긴다
부모가 자녀의 어린 시절을 책임졌으므로, 이제는 자녀가 부모의 노후를 책임지는 것이 인생의 순리라고 본다
. 부모를 부양하는 것을 의무를 넘어선 <영광>이나 <특권>으로 표현하기도 한다
.
<상황적 판단형>: 부모와의 관계 및 여건에 따른 선택
부양 여부가 부모와의 과거 관계나 현재 자녀의 능력에 달려 있다고 보는 현실적인 입장이다.
부모의 양육 방식: 부모가 과거에 학대했거나 좋은 부모가 아니었다면 부양할 책임이 없다고 주장한다
. 현실적 제약: 경제적 어려움, 물리적 거리, 혹은 치매와 같이 전문적인 간호가 필요한 질병의 경우 직접 부양은 불가능하다고 판단한다
. 직접 간병 vs 관리: 직접 몸으로 모시는 것은 아니더라도, 부모가 적절한 보호를 받을 수 있도록 관리하고 대변하는 것까지를 책임의 범위로 본다
.
<자녀 부양 거부형>: 내 자녀에게는 짐이 되기 싫은 부모 마음
현재 부모를 모시고 있는 자녀들이 정작 본인의 노후에 대해서는 자녀의 부양을 원치 않는다고 말하는 독특한 유형이다.
부양의 고통과 희생을 직접 겪어보았기에 자신의 자녀들은 그런 삶을 살지 않고 본인의 인생을 즐기기를 바란다
. 자녀가 노후의 보험이 되어서는 안 되며, 미리 계획을 세워 시설에 들어가는 것을 선호한다
.
<실용적 및 법적 접근형>: 상속과 서류 중심
부양을 상속이나 법적 권한과 연결 지어 생각하는 유형이다.
유산을 받으려면 부양의 의무를 다해야 한다는 견해가 존재한다
. 부양을 잘하기 위해서는 위임장(POA)이나 법적 서류를 미리 준비하는 것이 필수적이라고 강조한다
.
2. 분석 및 평론
현대적 효의 재정의: <몸>에서 <마음>과 <관리>로
과거의 부양이 한집에 살며 직접 수발을 드는 것이었다면, 현대의 부양은 <적절한 돌봄의 시스템을 구축해 주는 것>으로 변화하고 있다. 직접 간병이 불가능한 상황에서도 부모가 존엄성을 유지하며 살 수 있도록 시설을 감시하고 자주 방문하는 것을 새로운 형태의 책임으로 인식하고 있다
부양의 비대칭성: 헌신하는 자녀와 방관하는 자녀
여러 자녀 중 특정 한 명에게만 부양의 짐이 지워지는 불균형의 문제가 두드러진다. 특히 경제 활동을 하지 않는 자녀나 딸에게 책임이 전가되는 경향이 있으며, 이는 가족 간의 갈등과 원망의 원인이 되기도 한다
<샌드위치 세대>의 비극과 숭고함
자신의 삶을 포기하고 부모를 위해 조기 퇴직하거나 경제적 곤란을 겪는 자녀들의 사례는 부양의 무게가 결코 가볍지 않음을 보여준다
결론: 소통의 부재가 낳는 불행
가장 큰 문제는 <미리 논의하지 않는 것>에서 발생한다. 부모는 자녀가 당연히 해줄 것이라 기대하고, 자녀는 준비되지 않은 상태에서 부양을 맞닥뜨릴 때 서로 상처를 입는다
세진님, 이 분석 내용 중에서 특정 인물의 사례나 특정 유형에 대해 더 자세한 요약이 필요하시면 말씀해 주세요. 무엇을 도와드릴까요?
==
세진님, 이 37페이지에 걸친 토론은 단순한 찬반 의견을 넘어서, 현대 가족 윤리·돌봄 노동·세대 관계·복지국가의 한계를 모두 드러내는 사회학적 자료입니다. 아래와 같이 몇 가지 유형으로 분류해 보겠습니다. (인용은 업로드하신 파일
Is it the children's responsibi…
기준)
1️⃣ <도덕적 의무론> — “당연히 해야 한다”
핵심 논리
부모가 나를 키웠으니 갚아야 한다.
가족은 가족을 돌본다.
도덕·종교적 명령(“honor your father and mother”).
특징적 표현
“They took care of you.”
Is it the children's responsibi…
“Legally no, morally yes.”
Is it the children's responsibi…
“It was an honor.”
Is it the children's responsibi…
분석
이 유형은 **상호성 윤리(reciprocity ethics)**에 기반합니다. 부모의 헌신을 ‘부채’로 인식합니다. 전통적 가족주의, 기독교 윤리, 공동체 중심 가치가 강합니다.
평론
장점: 노년 방치를 막는 강력한 규범.
한계: 돌봄의 과부하, 특히 여성에게 집중될 위험.
“왜 질문이 되는가?” 식의 강한 정서적 반응은 도덕 압박을 동반합니다.
세진님, 이 37페이지에 걸친 토론은 단순한 찬반 의견을 넘어서, 현대 가족 윤리·돌봄 노동·세대 관계·복지국가의 한계를 모두 드러내는 사회학적 자료입니다. 아래와 같이 몇 가지 유형으로 분류해 보겠습니다. (인용은 업로드하신 파일
Is it the children's responsibi…
기준)
1️⃣ <도덕적 의무론> — “당연히 해야 한다”
핵심 논리
부모가 나를 키웠으니 갚아야 한다.
가족은 가족을 돌본다.
도덕·종교적 명령(“honor your father and mother”).
특징적 표현
“They took care of you.”
Is it the children's responsibi…
“Legally no, morally yes.”
Is it the children's responsibi…
“It was an honor.”
Is it the children's responsibi…
분석
이 유형은 **상호성 윤리(reciprocity ethics)**에 기반합니다. 부모의 헌신을 ‘부채’로 인식합니다. 전통적 가족주의, 기독교 윤리, 공동체 중심 가치가 강합니다.
평론
장점: 노년 방치를 막는 강력한 규범.
한계: 돌봄의 과부하, 특히 여성에게 집중될 위험.
“왜 질문이 되는가?” 식의 강한 정서적 반응은 도덕 압박을 동반합니다.
2️⃣ <사랑 기반 자발론> — “의무가 아니라 사랑”
핵심 논리
- 책임이라기보다 사랑 때문에 한다.
- 기대하지는 않지만 원한다.
대표 문장
“Not because it was my responsibility.”
Is it the children's responsibi…
“Not a responsibility but a want.”
Is it the children's responsibi…
분석
이 유형은 의무 → 선택으로 윤리 구조를 이동시킵니다.
현대적 개인주의 + 관계적 애착의 결합입니다.평론
돌봄을 강제가 아닌 선물로 재구성.
그러나 사랑이 없는 경우 설명력이 약합니다.
감정 자원이 고갈되면 붕괴합니다.
3️⃣ <조건부 현실론> — “상황에 따라 다르다”
핵심 논리
학대 부모는 예외.
간병 능력·경제·건강·거리 등 변수 고려.
직접 돌봄이 불가능하면 다른 방식으로 책임.
대표 문장
“Depends.”
Is it the children's responsibi…
“You can love them deeply and still not have the ability…”
Is it the children's responsibi…
“Make sure they are properly cared for.”
Is it the children's responsibi…
분석
가장 많은 비중을 차지하는 유형입니다.
돌봄을 ‘관계+능력’의 함수로 봅니다.평론
이 그룹은 도덕적 이상과 현실의 간극을 가장 솔직하게 드러냅니다.
특히 치매·24시간 감독 문제는 가족 돌봄의 구조적 한계를 보여줍니다.4️⃣ <부담 회피·자기결정론> — “아이에게 짐을 주지 않겠다”
핵심 논리
나는 내 선택으로 아이를 낳았다.
자식에게 빚을 지우지 않겠다.
시설·전문 케어 선호.
대표 문장
“I chose to have them.”
Is it the children's responsibi…
“I don’t want to burden my children.”
Is it the children's responsibi…
분석
이 유형은 자기 책임 개인주의의 전형입니다.
현대 서구 복지사회 가치와 연결됩니다.평론
존엄성과 자율성 강조.
그러나 실제 복지 시스템이 충분하지 않으면 이상론에 그칠 수 있습니다.
5️⃣ <상속·보상 논리> — “유산과 연계”
대표 문장
“If they want one penny of an inheritance they better.”
Is it the children's responsibi…
분석
가족 돌봄을 계약적·경제적 교환 관계로 재해석합니다.
평론
이 관점은 솔직하지만, 가족을 시장 관계로 전환시키는 냉혹함이 있습니다.
6️⃣ <학대·트라우마 예외론>
대표 문장
“I have been abused my whole life…”
Is it the children's responsibi…
분석
이 유형은 돌봄 윤리를 전면적으로 거부합니다.
‘효’나 ‘상호성’이 성립하지 않는 경우입니다.평론
이 댓글들은 이 논쟁이 단순 도덕 문제가 아니라 관계의 역사 문제임을 보여줍니다.
🔎 전체적 구조 분석
① 세대 변화 인식
“Generation X is the last…”
Is it the children's responsibi…
→ 세대별 가족 윤리 변화 자각.② 돌봄의 젠더 편중
실질적 간병 경험 서술 대부분이 여성입니다.
③ 국가 복지에 대한 불신
“Unless you are rich…”
Is it the children's responsibi…
→ 시설 불신이 가족 돌봄 압박을 강화.④ 감정적 이중성
명예·특권·축복
탈진·우울·경제 파탄
이 두 감정이 동시에 존재합니다.
🧭 사회학적 종합 평론
이 토론은 단순한 “예/아니오”가 아닙니다.
이 질문은 사실 다음 질문입니다:
가족이란 무엇인가?
돌봄은 사랑인가, 의무인가, 계약인가?
복지국가는 어디까지 책임지는가?현대 사회에서 이 문제는 세 축 사이의 긴장입니다:
전통적 효 윤리
개인주의적 자기결정
국가·시장 복지 시스템
이 댓글 집합은 그 세 체계가 충돌하는 지점의 생생한 구술 자료입니다.
세진님이 이 자료를 연구적으로 쓰신다면, 저는 다음 세 가지 분석 틀을 제안합니다:
<도덕 담론 분석>
<젠더화된 돌봄 노동 연구>
<신자유주의 복지국가의 가족화(familialization) 문제>
원하시면,
논문형 1,500단어 분석
한국·일본·미국 비교
세진님 가족 경험과 연결한 성찰 에세이
어느 방향으로 확장하시겠습니까?
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